Finally, you
have met him or her. You know what I mean, the one. All your life, or so it
seems, you have been waiting for the person who made your heart pound, made the
stars bright, and taken over all reasonable thought processes with ideas of
making love on every beach from here to Tahiti. You have a weird expression on
your face, food suddenly seems like a mere inconvenience and sleep is just
something you used to do. Your friends tease you about being in love. Your
mother WARNS you about being in love. Of course, you’re not stupid. You’ve been
around (more than Mom knows about), and you have spent time in
meditation/therapy having explored your own needs in the world. You want a
soulmate but this guy or gal is just so sexy that it’s hard to imagine introducing
him or her to your parents at all. Going Public So, things are going well and
you are looking toward the next step, becoming an item. Going public. Everyone
knows and invites you as a couple. People you know speculate about the future
of your relationship. But the future means forever when it comes to commitment,
so how do you know if this is really a good thing? Are people whispering about
how happy they are for you, or are they wondering if you should be committed
yourself (like in a secure mental health facility)?
And how about yourself? Do
you feel comfortable with your newest love interest or do you just want to feel
comfortable with someone? Is this the person that you want to spend your life
with or are you just afraid to march into the future alone? These very large
questions deserve great considerations. The passions of new love are so
entwined in our own emotional makeup that it seems impossible to find objective
considerations when proceeding along love’s thorny paths. So, for the purposes
of this discussion, let us define love and infatuation so each can be thought
about in a more organized manner. Love is Forever Changing Love as a dynamic
process. For me, that means that there is a relationship that flexes, changes
and grows as people mature, experience happens upon them, priorities and dreams
are built and goals are met. Love brings out the best in people as individuals.
The relationship between them becomes the way they define their lives. As jobs,
careers, and family concerns change, people are able to work as a team to be
understanding and flexible so the relationship (their lives) will flourish.
Dynamic process of love equals a sharing of emotion, trust, and growth of
relationship. Growth is increasing ability of a couple to live symbiotically,
enjoy each other’s company, trust each other with more secrets, depend on each
other in more crises over the years, in raising children and taking care of
aging relatives. It’s about growing old together, and long-term investments
like real estate and children. Is it Just Infatuation? So what about
infatuation?
That’s when you think of someone all the time, you go out of your
way to be around him or her, and you begin to center your priorities around him
or her as well. There is history with this person: Maybe a short history, but
maybe quite a while. You both enjoy being together. You both daydream about
each other and get all crawly in your underwear. But is it love? I mean, you
hate to be wrong about this kind of thing, especially if you have in mind
perhaps reproducing together (or maybe if you forget to think about it just
once). Infatuation as we are defining it here is a static process characterized
by an unrealistic expectation of blissful passion without positive growth and
development. Characterized by a lack of trust, lack of loyalty, lack of
commitment, lack of reciprocity, an infatuation is not necessarily foreplay for
a love scenario. People, however, have many reasons for making commitments.
Most people are infatuated with their love partners to a certain degree. People
who are in love think of their partners periodically when they are apart (some
more than others).
Men seem to be better, in general, in compartmentalizing
their lives, thereby putting thoughts of loved ones aside until the mind is
free to dwell on life. And yes, there are many exceptions and many ranges
within the genders. Knowing the Difference? So how do you know? The question,
actually, is simple; the answer, however, is not easy to own or accept. And
here it is: Does this relationship bring out the best in both of you? This is
the part where you get to assess and evaluate yourself and your partner, and
your relationship honestly. Though difficult, evaluating how things are going
at regular intervals can help to give some direction (and redirect
misdirection) to people who are self-guided toward happiness and success. For
those who are on a negative course, people who are unhappy, confused and
perhaps self-sabotaging, regular evaluation can point out some hard truths about
oneself, or about the person you want to take the next step with. While you try
to evaluate whether it is the real thing, here are some things to consider: Are
you happy? That would be a yes or no. When you wake up, are you glad to be
alive? Are you grateful for the blessings that you receive daily, like being
alive and loved? Are you loved and treated as a person of value? Does his or
her mother know about you? Is your life on a positive track? Do you have hope
for the future? Do you have dreams and work toward them all the time? Is your
life better because your boy- or girlfriend is in it? Really? Are you in this
relationship alone? Having someone on your arm makes life less complicated. You
get a built in-escort and date.
Most people seem to think and feel better as
part of a pair. There is a sense of social relief as well, meaning family and
friends stop trying to fix you up. Are you thinking and planning as a pair? Do
you automatically consider both of your plans for the weekend, or merely anticipate
maybe meeting up sometime? Have you postponed or given up your hopes and dreams
for the relationship or have you restructured your dreams together? Determining
the Difference The answers, and the courage to face the facts is the key to
making the determination. In infatuation, your gaze, your thoughts and maybe
your world revolves around someone. You have blinders on. It seems that all the
world pales in comparison to this person’s looks, talents, intelligence,
creativity, etc. What you might not see by keeping the blinders on, what can be
serious flaws in any relationship, are the destructive traits and behaviors
that degrade self-esteem and cause some pretty negative effects on one’s
choices and decisions. Many have had the experience of looking back at some
early romance, in middle or high school perhaps, when we were “in love” with a
special teacher or camp counselor. It can be easier to see in retrospect what
you weren’t ready to see at the time. Your thoughts of romance were simply an
innocent fantasy: An infatuation that felt like love at the time.
Aside from
your age, what was it about you that made you make that mistake. Innocence?
Loneliness? A longing to grow up, maybe. But those were things going on in your
head. In fact, these feelings had little to do with the actual object of your
infatuation (crush). It could be that some of those same feelings and needs
exist for you today. Beware of your own vulnerability, and your own desire to
“get rescued” from that solitary life of the unpaired. In time, the faults that
you refuse to see will begin to come to the foreground. You may be infatuated
with a rich and powerful person, but as you come to know that person on a more
intimate basis, the qualities that intrigued you will begin to fade into the background.
In the case of love, your focus is on your special someone, and that someone
exists in the real world.
Give and take, compromise and cooperation are
characteristics of love relationships. Working toward common goals, sharing
dreams and values define the dynamics of a good love relationship. People know
each other on a separate and private level than the world at large. Bringing it
Into Reality Infatuation can even be thought of as love with only two
dimensions. With love, that third dimension is reality. So, it is actually your
ability to tell what is real in a relationship, versus what is imagined. You
love being part of a couple, but is this the person you want to be in a couple
with? Look at the reality of who this person is, not who she or he wants to be.
Do you always interact over dinner and drinks? Meet under different
circumstances. Become part of each other’s lives. If that is not happening, why
not? Are you spending and enjoying time together? What happens when you’re
apart? Are you sure? Trying to differentiate your love interest from your lust
interest is requires a level head and the courage to face the unpleasant. It
also requires maturity and the ability to take a step back and survey the big
picture. The result is more control and confidence as you stride your way in
love’s direction.